Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Needed: Pep Talk

Some of the effects of cancer just stay with you.

Nana and I went shopping today. She wanted to get me something for my new job. :) I need to look a little more professional than what I got away with wearing while teaching. Four stores and piles of clothes later, I finally could not hold it in anymore. I cried and told her what I had been thinking the whole time. Things would look so much nicer if I had more hair. We decided to call it a day.

I can't really explain it, but sometimes I feel so overwhelmed in thinking that nothing is ever going to be the same again.

I have become more insecure since August when things got a little more serious. I feel shallow because I struggle with how I look which before was never a big deal. I didn't even go to a friend's party once because I knew I would have a hard time with all the beautiful girls that would be there.It is hard to look at old pictures or even pictures taken last summer. It sounds so silly. I know that. I know it is silly. But even this moment as I sit here typing, I am crying because of how I feel.

Looks aren't the only thing I struggle with. Patience, energy, faith, and independence all seem to be lacking in my mid- to- post cancer life. I guess maybe I thought all of those things would be better/stronger when I actually got through treatments. Maybe I psyched myself up too much.

Sorry for the word vomit, but maybe a fellow cancer survivor or just a friend will read this and know just what to say because my own pep talks aren't working...

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