Monday, September 21, 2009

Gripey at 5am

I am sitting in my pjs, a hoodie with hood up, two blankets wrapped around me, in my comfy mocs and drinking a cup of hot peppermint tea. As much as I adore my comfy mocs, it should not be cold enough yet for me to bust those out.
I woke up at 4 this morning with a serious case of the chills. Around 4:30, I decide I have had enough and slip into the shower. I let the hot water hit my skin until it runs out. (Looks like I will be paying a little more to the next water bill.) I get out and assemble layers of warmth, but it is still not enough. I boil tea, praying I will get it off before the loud whistle wakes a sleeping house. Now I sit, still cold, but feeling ridiculous.
The "aftershocks" of this treatment have been a little different. Thankful (and I do mean thankfully!!!!!) I have not had a case of the spaghetti legs. I am walking, a little slow, but I am getting around. My stomach has been tormented. My bald spot is growing alongside a little one that has developed. I have a sore in my mouth which stings a little each time I sip this tea. My face is looking rough, like a teen going through puberty again. My arm stings, like when your foot falls asleep and you have to wake it up with the feeling of thousands of pins in it. My whole body aches. The WHOLE thing.
I am a little gripey today.
I have been reading some books written by others who have gone through this. I feel a bit more normal. Personally, I still feel like a psychopath. Apparently though all of this is normal. Some stories make me even look good. I feel like I have done a decent job swallowing undeserved anger towards some things. In all of these things I am reading though, there are common themes of which I can identify -the process of letting go and letting others do, not feeling beautiful (for real!), feeling like your womenhood is at stake, worrying about future (having children, meeting somebody, etc.), trying to stay afloat in your job/school, and just overcoming the fact that your life is different now. Reading these things is sometimes refreshing, sometimes encouraging, and sometimes depressing. Breast cancer truly has affected so many lives.
It is times like this when all a girl wants to do is crawl up on the couch with a container of Breyers Mint Chocolate Chip put in some sappy movie and cry. It is kind of like going through a break-up... emotional and just pretty crappy. There is no ice cream for me. Instead, I grab a blanket, a cup of tea, and start to type.
It is important to me to document this time of my life. I share my writing openly with the chance that somebody else might feel a little more normal because that see somebody else who is struggling. I share my writing so that people will know what to pray about for me. I share my writing to save some poor soul who I would go off on a tangent on otherwise. I write this though for me. One day I am going to look at this and say "See big girl, you got through this." One day...


  1. Yes, you will. You will say "See big girl, you got through this"! Love you, much!

  2. I love you beth. I wish I could be in Nashville just for a few minutes to sit with you and give you whatever it is you need: a hug, ice cream, whatever it is. Thank you for sharing your story continually with us. You show great reliance on the Lord and his people and that is what we all need to learn! Thank You!