Sunday, May 8, 2011

Secret Confession #3

This one is a tad more serious than the other two...

I want to be a mom.

All of my friends and family probably chuckle at that because I have only talked about it all my life. Having 12 kiddos sitting around a big table, a son named Kermit, gallery walls of kid art, and birthday celebrations have all been dreams. I wanted a multicultural family before Angelina Jolie made it trendy. The movie Cheaper By the Dozen made me so happy I thought I could burst. But it is a little different now.

For a year or so, this "big talk" of becoming a mother has become more of an internal struggle. It makes me think that there is something to the whole biological clock ticking thing. It is really stressful because I am not near a place of healthily bringing a child into the world. Physically, it would not be good on my body being out of radiation just recently. Financially, it would be a nightmare. Complete nightmare. Spiritually, it would not be sound. My life is so unstable these days, it would be the worst idea. Ever. Being around nieces and nephew has not helped. I think I have scared poor J to pieces when I confided in him this struggle. Thankfully, he has been nice about the whole thing. He does not laugh or tell me I am crazy when that internal struggle rises up. On more than once occasion, he has squeezed my hand when he notices it in my eyes.

So for now I am just dealing with this struggle with prayer. Prayer that things will start falling into place.

This morning on Mother's Day, I woke up and put my walking shoes on. God and I had a long chat about the desires of my heart. I believe that one day I will be celebrating the amazing gift of bring life into this world on this holiday. Just time for me to be patient and wait for better timing and healthier situations. I only share this so if you have a minute you can squeeze me in your prayers and because I know of a couple of other girls who are have similar struggles.

Today I celebrate the mothers that have made a difference in my life and whom have taught me what it means to love and be a mother. Amy who brought me into the world and taught me the art of homemade love. Christy who taught me independence and importance of being a strong woman. Carole who taught me that family is not always of blood, but always of love and makes the best cookies ever. Renee who has been a blessing the past couple of years. Emily and Jessica who are great mothers and have great strength for their young years. And most of all for my Nana. She has taught me above all what it means to be a mother. For her love, devotion, and care, I am extremely grateful.

Happy Mother's Day.

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