Monday, October 17, 2011

A Little Piece of Closure

I can't believe that it is the middle of October!

Last night I watched a Lifetime film called "Five." I cried. I know, I know. Lifetime. Big surprise. I watched it though because it was a collection of five stories from people who have been affected by breast cancer. Jennifer Aniston, Demi Moore, Alicia Keys and other directed the short films. (If you are interested in seeing it, you can find it on Hulu.)

The ending to me especially hit home. All of the survivors got to kiss a wall plaque they designed when they hit the five year mark. It was a little piece of closure that most people need in a big life event. I guess I see this 3-Day walk as closure for me. While I am by no means at the five year mark, I am ready to shut a door. I am ready to say that I can move on with my life and achieve other things.

I feel as though I have been living in fear in some ways. November is coming up. November of last year is when I was told that there was once again cancer cells. More than once the thought of the cancer returning has popped into my head. Will I hear the same thing next month?!?

The fear of never feel pretty like I once saw myself has been something that has paralyzed me. I was set free of those chains a couple of weekends ago when I was in my friend Renee's wedding. I put contacts in for the first time in over a year. I got my hair styled and pulled up at a salon. (Bless the sweet hairdresser's heart! I cried so hard and at first she thought it was because I didn't like it.) I got my nails painted. A makeup artist fixed me up. I wore my pearls. I got to wear a beautiful black dress (most of you know my love of black dresses!). I got to walk down the aisle with pride. I got to celebrate my friends marriage without feeling self-conscious. Renee will never understand what she did for me. Each day I wake up a little earlier because once again I feel like looking presentable.

 (With my friend Amanda on the Pankakes wedding day)

At 3-Day, I will be surrounded by people who have had a journey with breast cancer in some fashion. Whether they walk in honor of their mother, a wife, a friend, or whether they are a survivor themselves, they know how important it is to be united in a battle. (Shoot, you don't raise $2,300 or walk 60 miles for just anything!) It is not about the miles I actually walk. It is about crossing that finish line. Head held high. Tears streaming down myself. (You know it's gonna happen.) It is about regaining some control of my life. A friend of mine said it best on her blog - we are not survivors, but we are surviving. (Forgive my paraphrasing.) That is so true. I am not sure there will be any days that the cancer does not affect me in some way. However, I will be no longer bound by the chains of it.

Thank you to each of you who have shown support.

Amy and I leave on Thursday for Atlanta. I am sure there will be stories to tell...

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