Constant Battle

This weekend was a complete roller coaster emotionally.

Friday and Saturday were quite enjoyable. More on that later...

Sunday and today have been messy. Yesterday I felt on the verge of tears all day. They never really came. I really longed to sit on the porch with God, sit in his lap, be rocked, and just feel strength consume me. Maybe a little childish sounding, but that is what I wanted. Today, I lost it on the ride to school. We hit about a 10 second cry. I really just want to cry because I think I will feel better. I feel like everything is just building up. These quick couple of second cries are becoming normal. When I walked to my classroom, I found these beauties outside of my room along with a note...

"To brighten your day, Beth! May you always see beauty around you. It is everywhere. Love, The K-Team"

Another couple of seconds cry.

Part of the reason why I have been so emotional is because of the outpouring of love I have received. It is truly overwhelming. Truly. To go home and have a mailbox filled with cards, to walk into school and everybody is wearing pink ribbons, to receive emails of encouragement from people I have never met, to be hugged on, to hold hands with... all of these things... it is overwhelming.

I get so frustrated because I am not reaching out the way I normally would. I am tired of not being able to do all the things I want to do. I am tired of being tired, of body aches, of second tears, of being dependent on others for so much, etc.

At the same time, I realize how blessed I am. I do. I am so grateful to be where I am.

This is just a constant battle.

Smitten

Smitten.

I have finally figured out the word for what I am.

On Friday, Beth N. and I went to see Julie and Julia right after school. A little over 2 hours later, I left the theater all smiles and wanting to see it again. On Saturday, I purchased My Life in France by Julia Child and Julie and Julia by Julie Powell. On Monday, Amy and I went to see the movie again. I am currently sucked into reading My Life in France. On Saturday, Tiffany and I will be going to see the movie. I cannot get enough!!!

I have always been a sucker for quirky people, blogging, pearls, and cooking. Could a movie be more fitting?!?!! Julia's frankness and enjoyment of life is so endearing. She wears pearls. Had me then. Guess I have my Halloween costume... Julie's personality traits and life events pretty much sum up my life too. Loved her.

Smitten.

How can Hollywood affect me so?

If you want to go see the movie, let me know... I see a movie inspired dinner party in the near future. That would be worth saving up some energy for.

President's Education Speech

This morning, our class listened to President Obama speak directly to students.

President Obama is quite popular among students. Last year during election time, all of my students voted for him. There was a lot of excitement when he won the election. This morning there was the same air of excitement among the kiddos. Several of my students stood and clapped when they first showed the President at the podium.

I was quite thankful that the President's speech was simple enough for my students to understand. He spoke on the importance of student ownership in education. While my students do not understand the ins and outs of a political system, they do see a president who they can identify with (just based on background alone). He does offer them hope.

Now back to crabs and frogs... ugh.

"Whoever is happy will make others happy too."
-Anne Frank

Chipperness

So this morning on the way to school we made a little pit stop at Sonic. (Those Route 44s are a blessing for dry mouth!) The girl who brought my Cherry Limeade was ridiculously chipper. She asked if we were having a good morning and I think I might have glared at her. (Thankfully she could not see my face.) Could not help but stare at her as bound off to do her work.

When I got to school, I walked into my classroom, letting out a huge sigh. "Do I have to be here today?" I am tired. After piddling around, I got to thinking, "what could make me as exuberant as the Sonic carhop?" I pulled out my Good Book for my morning refresher and this was my passage today.

Psalm 117
1 Praise the LORD, all you nations;

extol him, all you peoples.
2 For great is his love toward us,

and the faithfulness of the LORD endures forever.

Praise the LORD.

I am no Sonic chick, but I have good reason to have a little more bounce in my step. Talk about a reason to be happy.

From Spaghetti to GI Jane

Getting used to it...

Just Call Me Spaghetti...

It really is amazing how much has happened in the past year... but the last few weeks in particular have been exceptionally full.

I have been diagnosed with Stage II Invasive Ductal Carcinoma. It has spread to my lymph nodes. I have started chemo. I will go every 3 weeks for 5 months.

There, I just blog-vomited.

Yesterday was my first round of treatment. My first treatment consisted of a drug called Avastin. I just sat for what seemed like forever while the drug was pumped through my veins. Thank goodness for the company of Linda and Ellie, some chickas from my support group. Linda painted my toenails a rockin' pink. I got home safely with relatively little side effects which is a blessing. I slept most of the afternoon and felt numb on the left side of my body.

This morning I managed to make it to school. (Thanks to my driver! ;) ) While walking the kids back from the restroom my legs semi-gave out. Basically, they feel like spaghetti. We got back to the classroom and I taught for a little while from my chair. When the kiddos went to related arts, I went home. This really seems ridiculous, but I cannot walk. Brad, Justin, and Amy have taken turns walking me from one room to another and each time I swear I am not moving again. Really praying this is a one day side effect and that I can go back to school tomorrow.

I wish I could say that I was doing well, but I am a mess. I cannot cry which has always been my outlet for things. I seriously cry for like 2 seconds and then I am done. I don't feel any better. I find myself getting so frustrated because I am tired, feel sore, etc. I feel like I am being a burden (don't correct me now... maybe I am not, but I feel like I am) I am scared of losing my hair. I am scared of something happening at school. I am scared of people feeling like I can't do my job.

I am grateful for the huge outpouring of love people have shown. I have gotten some beautiful flowers (thanks Lindsey and Joe!), great phone calls (David and Katie...) and masses of emails. My family has been amazing and now I get to hear almost all of their voices daily. ;) And you know the House of Awesome has been exceptionally awesome... So yeah, I have quite the support system and I feel loved.

Looks like I am in for some ups and downs, but in the midst of it all, there is hope. Someone is carrying me and will see me through. You can just call me spaghetti...