Constant Battle

This weekend was a complete roller coaster emotionally.

Friday and Saturday were quite enjoyable. More on that later...

Sunday and today have been messy. Yesterday I felt on the verge of tears all day. They never really came. I really longed to sit on the porch with God, sit in his lap, be rocked, and just feel strength consume me. Maybe a little childish sounding, but that is what I wanted. Today, I lost it on the ride to school. We hit about a 10 second cry. I really just want to cry because I think I will feel better. I feel like everything is just building up. These quick couple of second cries are becoming normal. When I walked to my classroom, I found these beauties outside of my room along with a note...

"To brighten your day, Beth! May you always see beauty around you. It is everywhere. Love, The K-Team"

Another couple of seconds cry.

Part of the reason why I have been so emotional is because of the outpouring of love I have received. It is truly overwhelming. Truly. To go home and have a mailbox filled with cards, to walk into school and everybody is wearing pink ribbons, to receive emails of encouragement from people I have never met, to be hugged on, to hold hands with... all of these things... it is overwhelming.

I get so frustrated because I am not reaching out the way I normally would. I am tired of not being able to do all the things I want to do. I am tired of being tired, of body aches, of second tears, of being dependent on others for so much, etc.

At the same time, I realize how blessed I am. I do. I am so grateful to be where I am.

This is just a constant battle.