Rite of Passage

Rite of Passage - Shaving my Head from Ashley Hackshaw on Vimeo.

A friend sent me this video this morning. It sent me back to my rite of passage.

 

 My hair is even longer than it was before I shaved it. Still kicking cancer's.... ;)

A Little Piece of Closure

I can't believe that it is the middle of October!

Last night I watched a Lifetime film called "Five." I cried. I know, I know. Lifetime. Big surprise. I watched it though because it was a collection of five stories from people who have been affected by breast cancer. Jennifer Aniston, Demi Moore, Alicia Keys and other directed the short films. (If you are interested in seeing it, you can find it on Hulu.)

The ending to me especially hit home. All of the survivors got to kiss a wall plaque they designed when they hit the five year mark. It was a little piece of closure that most people need in a big life event. I guess I see this 3-Day walk as closure for me. While I am by no means at the five year mark, I am ready to shut a door. I am ready to say that I can move on with my life and achieve other things.

I feel as though I have been living in fear in some ways. November is coming up. November of last year is when I was told that there was once again cancer cells. More than once the thought of the cancer returning has popped into my head. Will I hear the same thing next month?!?

The fear of never feel pretty like I once saw myself has been something that has paralyzed me. I was set free of those chains a couple of weekends ago when I was in my friend Renee's wedding. I put contacts in for the first time in over a year. I got my hair styled and pulled up at a salon. (Bless the sweet hairdresser's heart! I cried so hard and at first she thought it was because I didn't like it.) I got my nails painted. A makeup artist fixed me up. I wore my pearls. I got to wear a beautiful black dress (most of you know my love of black dresses!). I got to walk down the aisle with pride. I got to celebrate my friends marriage without feeling self-conscious. Renee will never understand what she did for me. Each day I wake up a little earlier because once again I feel like looking presentable.

 (With my friend Amanda on the Pankakes wedding day)

At 3-Day, I will be surrounded by people who have had a journey with breast cancer in some fashion. Whether they walk in honor of their mother, a wife, a friend, or whether they are a survivor themselves, they know how important it is to be united in a battle. (Shoot, you don't raise $2,300 or walk 60 miles for just anything!) It is not about the miles I actually walk. It is about crossing that finish line. Head held high. Tears streaming down myself. (You know it's gonna happen.) It is about regaining some control of my life. A friend of mine said it best on her blog - we are not survivors, but we are surviving. (Forgive my paraphrasing.) That is so true. I am not sure there will be any days that the cancer does not affect me in some way. However, I will be no longer bound by the chains of it.

Thank you to each of you who have shown support.

Amy and I leave on Thursday for Atlanta. I am sure there will be stories to tell...

Happy Heart

It has been a magnificent evening!

After a long day at school, I got to meet up with my beautiful friend Amanda. She has been gone for 2 months, but has returned to where she belongs. Of course, we had to met up at our favorite spot, Fido's. She was exactly what I needed tonight and I am glad that I could soak up her goodness. We also celebrated 3 years of friendship since we met the first week in September after she first moved South. Fido's + Amanda = Pure Delight.

J had dinner ready when I got home. It's the little things that are so huge for the heart.

And finally some big news...

I can pull my hair back into a half ponytail with no pins or clips!!!!!!!!!!! While that might seem little, it is very big deal. I have not been able to pull my hair up in 2 years. Just another sign that I have overcome. Even now I am crying with happy tears! :)

My heart is very happy. :)

3- Day Update!

The Susan G. Komen 3-Day in Boston took place this weekend. You can check out pictures and recap on their Facebook page. It was so encouraging to see the throngs of people decked out in pink. A sweet engagement took place too. :)

Each week, I get a little more excited about my upcoming walk. As of today, I have raised only 18% of my funds needed. I still have about $1,900 to go. Can you help?????

My click on the widgit on the right side of my page to contribute.

Only 13 weeks left! I better get to walking...

Something To Look Forward To...

3DayExperience from Komen 3-Day for the Cure on Vimeo.

Just thought I would show you all what I am looking forward to. We are just a little over 15 weeks away. (That is crazy!!!) Please consider donating to show your support. You can visit my website... Deeply Rooted in Hope for the Cure.

Twas' the night before...

Twas' the night before Christmas...

Okay, it's not the night before Christmas, but it feels a little like it because tomorrow is a big day.

In the morning, I will be dressing up as a book character. We are having a reading parade to celebrate Read Across America week. It is my favorite event at our school. Beyond precious!

I will be undergoing my final radiation treatment. While I am beyond nervous, I am so pleased to know that I am not going to have to go through this treatment again. We will have a party or I will have a new rack. Something will be celebrated when I after my scan in a few weeks.

I am having my book club over tomorrow night. I adore these girls. We eat, we "mention" the book we read, and we play cards. Did I mention we laugh because that is what we do most!

I am so stinkin' excited about my Friday, but Lord knows I will be in my bed all day on Saturday. ;)

Please, please, please say prayers, send good vibes, cross your fingers, or just wish me luck with the prognosis. I am still saying my sun-still prayer.

On the Brink...

As I head into my final week of radiation, I am sitting on my couch dreaming of a wrap-around porch, a comfortable swing, and warm weather. Some coziness and warmth would do my soul good.

The longer I deal with this thing called cancer the more I want to go after some of my dreams. My job, while important is not my dream. I feel like I am on the brink to start going after what I want.

Spring Break is two weeks away and I am looking forward to it. I am planning on going to Asheville, NC for just a couple of days and staying in a bed and breakfast. I am going to ask questions. I am going to take notes. I am going to journal a lot. I am going to rest. For me, this trip is exciting because running a bed and breakfast has been my dream for so long and now I am going to start figuring out how to begin while at the same time resting and recovering from months of emotional and physical stress.

Good things are ahead.

Please pray that in this final week I will be healed.

Etsy Shop

Because I love all things homemade and pretty, I decided to set up an Etsy shop in order to help cover my doctors costs and raise money for the Susan G. Komen 3-Day. I will add at least one thing new each week.

Thanks to Lauren who made the wonderful logo! You can also check out her Etsy shop. She is briererows.

To visit my Etsy shop, just click on the logo.

60 Miles. 3 Days.

You all know that come October, I have my walking shoes on for breast cancer. I walk in the Susan G. Komen's Race for the Cure in both Nashville and Little Rock. This year I am taking it up a notch. On top of those two walks, I will be walking in the Atlanta Susan G. Komen's 3-Day for the Cure.

My friend Amy and I will be walking 60 miles in 3 days to help raise money and awareness for something very near and dear to my heart.

In order to walk, each person is asked to raise funds. We have our goals set and we are now working towards them. Amy and I are trying to be creative in our fundraising, but for now I am asking that if you simply wish to donate, please click on the widget below.

If you wish to visit my 3-Day webpage, click here.

Thanks for your support!

Standing Still

Some of you might have noticed that I took a little hiatus from blogging. In reality, I took a little hiatus from my life.

Last year when going through treatments and such, I was told often that I was handling everything so well. "Strong", "courageous", and "positive" were thrown around freely. In reality, I was a complete mess. Those of you who know me really well, know that I have changed. It is partially (and majorly) due to how I handled things. Sure, I continued to work, go to school, and have a social life, but that was me trying to stay in control. Looking back, I should have rested more. I should have gone for more counseling. I should have gone to those support group meetings more often. I should have asked for help more. I should have done things differently. I should have prayed more.

In April, I got the "all clear" and I felt good for awhile.

After awhile, I became discouraged because my energy levels weren't back to "normal". Some of the things I enjoyed before, I did not enjoy as much. My heart was hardened and I am not sure I truly realized how much. I also lived in fear. I had dreams about cancer taking over my body. I wasn't as confident. I stopped going to church. I slipped in and out of depression.

When I learned that my cancer had come back, I was devastated. That is when the hiatus began. If I wasn't at work or at a treatment then you can bet I was in bed or on my couch. I watched an insane amount of TV. I cried a lot and I would make excuses when people asked me to do things. I did not want to and did not feel like doing anything. Some days were a little better than others. Really this past weekend was the most productive I have been in awhile.

Yesterday I learned that my treatments have helped, but I am going to have to have more. It would be very easy for my to continue in my desire to escape from all that is going on around me, but I am hoping that will not be the case. In that hope, I am focusing on something "new" for me.

A couple of weeks ago, J asked me to go to church. While I was reluctant, I went with him. We go to Crosspoint and Pete had just started a new series called "More". That Sunday evening, Pete used Joshua 10 in his lesson. The passage was the story of Joshua and the Isrealites defeating the Amorites all because God had promised them victory and Joshua asked that the sun stand still. The sun standing still... that is crazy, but Joshua had the faith to ask God to do the "impossible." Pete posed the question, "What is your sun still prayer?" When walking out of church that evening, I slipped my hand into J's and thanked him for inviting me and that I was glad I went.

J asked me to church again the next week. At first, I told him that I wasn't feeling well. He asked again right before he left and I reluctantly agreed again. This time, Pete shared the story of Abraham focusing in on our relationship with God. "God can't put things in our hands because we are grasping too tightly to our picture of the future." Sheesh.

Pete reminded us that we should not base our whole theology on these little passages and I agree with that. However, these passages have been a good kick in the butt to help me get on with life. My sun-still prayer is that God heals me- that he heals me of cancer, he heals me of hurt, he heals me of my control freakish ways, he heals me.

I want to go from standing still in my life to having the sun-stand still.

Thank you to everyone who has reached out to me. Please keeping praying for me. A sun-still prayer...

War # 2

I have the beginning of an Eminem song stuck in my head...

"Guess whose's back? Back again..."

It started yesterday afternoon.

When Dr. L said "Your cancer is back."

I hate Eminem. I hate cancer.

Race for the Cure 2010 (Arkansas)

On Friday afternoon, Justin and I headed west to Little Rock, Arkansas. We were meeting his family for the Arkansas Race for the Cure. This is a six year tradition for them and a second year tradition for me. That race is the 3rd largest in the world. (That means a lot of pink!) And you know you are in Arkansas when women wear pink duck decoys on their heads for breast cancer awareness!

While in Little Rock, we ate at Bosco's, walked in RFTC, napped, went to the Museum of Discovery (super fun!), shopped at Ten Thousand Villages (another tradition!), and visited the Old Mill. Of course, we loved playing with his niece. She is at such a fun age.

On the way back to Nashville, we stopped in Memphis and got to visit with my friends- Marcus, Mandy, MJ and baby bump Emma Paige. It was so nice to see old friends who have meant so much to me. We ate dinner at Westy's (and missed out on their famous Fudge Pie... what were we thinking?!!?). Justin and I also ran into this cute shop call Red Fish Gifts. That might have to become a tradition too. :)

This week is fall break for me so I will be cleaning, cooking, and just relaxing. Can't wait!

Race for the Cure 2010 (Nashville)

Thanks to all who came out or supported me in Nashville's Race for the Cure!

It was a beautiful day. This year, I was able to cut about 45 minutes off my time just walking. Amazing how much life can change in just one year! I ran into old friends, caught up with people I haven't seen in awhile, collected some nice freebies, and was filled with emotion.

This day was a big deal for me so thanks to all who made it so special.

Also, thanks to those who have walked/run in Race for the Cures in their cities. It is great to see pictures and hear stories of friends who are walking and thinking of me!

Breast Cancer Awareness Month

This was taken a year ago. My hair had been falling out in clumps, some small and some rather large. I decided to shave my head.

Since then cancer has come and gone. I am "in the clear", but its effects linger. I still don't have the energy that I once did. I cry at least once a week about my physical appearance. I get scared anytime my hand runs across my breast in the shower or during a self exam. I dream about recurrences. Other days, I feel so good. I realize how I have made it through something that has brought down others. I am blessed to be alive. Cancer is something I think about everyday.

October is a big month for me. Almost every weekend I will be walking in breast cancer awareness races. Next Saturday, Oct. 9 is Race for the Cure in Brentwood, TN. October 16 is Race for the Cure in Little Rock, AR where I will be walking with Justin's family. October 30 is the Striders Walk in Nashville. I am wearing pink each day. (Think about doing the same!) I am currently reading Promise Me which is about the founding of the Susan G. Komen foundation. Each day I am praying for a cure.

I know breast cancer is not high on everybody's list of concerns, but it is very real to me. I am asking that all of my friends and family think about donating to the cause of finding a cure. It wasn't just a rough year for me, but for those who were by my side. We can help keep somebody else from going down that same road. We can find a cure. I am deeply rooted in that hope. If you wish to donate, please click on the link that goes to my first walk's page.

http://nashville.info-komen.org/goto/deeplyrooted

Thanks.

Needed: Pep Talk

Some of the effects of cancer just stay with you.

Nana and I went shopping today. She wanted to get me something for my new job. :) I need to look a little more professional than what I got away with wearing while teaching. Four stores and piles of clothes later, I finally could not hold it in anymore. I cried and told her what I had been thinking the whole time. Things would look so much nicer if I had more hair. We decided to call it a day.

I can't really explain it, but sometimes I feel so overwhelmed in thinking that nothing is ever going to be the same again.

I have become more insecure since August when things got a little more serious. I feel shallow because I struggle with how I look which before was never a big deal. I didn't even go to a friend's party once because I knew I would have a hard time with all the beautiful girls that would be there.It is hard to look at old pictures or even pictures taken last summer. It sounds so silly. I know that. I know it is silly. But even this moment as I sit here typing, I am crying because of how I feel.

Looks aren't the only thing I struggle with. Patience, energy, faith, and independence all seem to be lacking in my mid- to- post cancer life. I guess maybe I thought all of those things would be better/stronger when I actually got through treatments. Maybe I psyched myself up too much.

Sorry for the word vomit, but maybe a fellow cancer survivor or just a friend will read this and know just what to say because my own pep talks aren't working...

An Explosion of Emotion

This is a short post, but just wanted to say...

My PET scan came back all clear which means remission!

Yesterday was a great day and I was able to celebrate birthday and remission with some dear friends.

Last night, all of the emotion and tears that I seemed to not have much of over the past few months came out. When I got home I exploded. Even though it had been a fabulous day, I had anger and sadness in my heart. I am so tired and have been for awhile. Tears, sobs, and ungodly cries poured out until I exhuasted myself. It has been a long time coming.

I am truly happy.

I am ready to feel like my old self again though.

Thanks to all of those who have shown me support and utter compassion this year. I could not have made it without you.

Birthday goodness post soon to come...

Health Update

I have had several people ask about my health lately, so here are the latest details...

I am finished with all treatments and surgeries at this time. :)

On April 27th (yep, my birthday) I have my another doctor's visit. I will be having a PET scan. If nothing shows up, then I can be free to throw that word "remission" around.

Remission. That is a tricky word. Before the last couple of years, I took that to mean cancer was gone. I knew there was no cure for cancer, but I don't think I really understood that. Remission seemed so good. Don't get me wrong, it is a good word, but just knowing that it is not absolute is not awesome. You can through remission period of years or just a few months. Don't worry there will still be a party when "remission" happens. ;)

Menopause. Aren't you picturing an older cranky woman? I do. However, treatments sometimes send women into premature menopause. At the age of 26, I might be going through menopause. It has seemed to be out of nowhere, but I have had several symptoms pop up lately. The hot flashes and other things (that shall not be mentioned because some boys do read this blog) have occurred before when stopping my usage of Tamoxifen, but body went back to normal. I have not had a Tamoxifen change as of late so menopause might explain the not-so-fun things that have been happening lately. I do have an appointment with doctor today so we can try to find explanation.

Nightmares. The past few weeks I have not been sleeping well at all. It is truly almost nightly that I dream of cancer spreading throughout my body. I once even dreamed I gave cancer to somebody else. I have had missing boobs (and missing legs for whatever reason). A surgeon took out a huge (and nonexistent might I add) vein running from heart out instead of a tumor that he was supposed to take. Silly, but scary dreams. Maybe I am just subconsciously stressing about upcoming doctors visits and such.

I don't mean to sound like a pessimist. I do feel good for the most part. I am so blessed to have the "big things" behind me. I have a lot of good things happening to me. These are just some things happening and some feelings I have.

I do appreciate continued prayers and encouragement. (These days extra patience with me is also appreciated.)

Maybe next time I post about health, we can title post "Remission" :)

The Anti-Chemo Chemical Party

On Friday night, two of my favorite partners in crime decided we should celebrate my chemo treatment being done. Beth and Maggie deemed it "The Anti-Chemo Chemical Party." A good time indeed.

We got spruced up and headed to Wantabe's for sushi. We are all addicted. Side of spicy mayo and eel sauce please! Then after a good meal, we went to Rumours East. We enjoyed some wine (aka-the chemicals), good conversation, and lots of laughter. Thank goodness we made it back to the car safely! (High heels, slight incline, and ice make for a workout.)

Thanks girls for celebrating this milestone with me! It really meant a lot.

Hard Morning

Sometimes I wish I could do things on my own. Go to the grocery when I need/want to. Run to the library when I want to read a book. Go to a store just to look because I have free time. Just do things on my own time. This morning is one of those times when I really just want to pick up and go.

I feel bad about saying that though because I know people have their own time schedules too. Many have sacrificed and given up much of their time for me. I don't want people to think I don't notice how much they do for me, but I wish I could do things on my own too.

I was able to finally have another treatment. Yesterday, I did not get off the couch. Football and sleep. Then, last night my leg started having spasms. It scared me just because I seemed to have no control. My head and neck still ache. And if you haven't noticed, I am a little cranky. :(

I really want to look at the bright side of things, but I am struggling this morning. I just want all of this to pass. Please pray for me. I need a change of heart. Some peace.

Update...

Just a little health update...

My nose did bleed and neck and head still hurt. I went back to the doctor Saturday morning. She gave my some good pain meds for my head and neck. She did discover that my thyroid was enlarged to a rather abnormal size. More blood work. I will go back again on Thursday.

I am still on bed rest until at least Monday morning. Amy stockpiled me with movies so yesterday we had a movie marathon. Today might be a repeat.