Standing Still

Some of you might have noticed that I took a little hiatus from blogging. In reality, I took a little hiatus from my life.

Last year when going through treatments and such, I was told often that I was handling everything so well. "Strong", "courageous", and "positive" were thrown around freely. In reality, I was a complete mess. Those of you who know me really well, know that I have changed. It is partially (and majorly) due to how I handled things. Sure, I continued to work, go to school, and have a social life, but that was me trying to stay in control. Looking back, I should have rested more. I should have gone for more counseling. I should have gone to those support group meetings more often. I should have asked for help more. I should have done things differently. I should have prayed more.

In April, I got the "all clear" and I felt good for awhile.

After awhile, I became discouraged because my energy levels weren't back to "normal". Some of the things I enjoyed before, I did not enjoy as much. My heart was hardened and I am not sure I truly realized how much. I also lived in fear. I had dreams about cancer taking over my body. I wasn't as confident. I stopped going to church. I slipped in and out of depression.

When I learned that my cancer had come back, I was devastated. That is when the hiatus began. If I wasn't at work or at a treatment then you can bet I was in bed or on my couch. I watched an insane amount of TV. I cried a lot and I would make excuses when people asked me to do things. I did not want to and did not feel like doing anything. Some days were a little better than others. Really this past weekend was the most productive I have been in awhile.

Yesterday I learned that my treatments have helped, but I am going to have to have more. It would be very easy for my to continue in my desire to escape from all that is going on around me, but I am hoping that will not be the case. In that hope, I am focusing on something "new" for me.

A couple of weeks ago, J asked me to go to church. While I was reluctant, I went with him. We go to Crosspoint and Pete had just started a new series called "More". That Sunday evening, Pete used Joshua 10 in his lesson. The passage was the story of Joshua and the Isrealites defeating the Amorites all because God had promised them victory and Joshua asked that the sun stand still. The sun standing still... that is crazy, but Joshua had the faith to ask God to do the "impossible." Pete posed the question, "What is your sun still prayer?" When walking out of church that evening, I slipped my hand into J's and thanked him for inviting me and that I was glad I went.

J asked me to church again the next week. At first, I told him that I wasn't feeling well. He asked again right before he left and I reluctantly agreed again. This time, Pete shared the story of Abraham focusing in on our relationship with God. "God can't put things in our hands because we are grasping too tightly to our picture of the future." Sheesh.

Pete reminded us that we should not base our whole theology on these little passages and I agree with that. However, these passages have been a good kick in the butt to help me get on with life. My sun-still prayer is that God heals me- that he heals me of cancer, he heals me of hurt, he heals me of my control freakish ways, he heals me.

I want to go from standing still in my life to having the sun-stand still.

Thank you to everyone who has reached out to me. Please keeping praying for me. A sun-still prayer...